Reconsider








Though I beg you to reconsider,
You have every right to speak my pain
on a stage in the name of art
The kind of burrowed pain
Only an introvert could leave
undeclared, unspoken and undevoted  
to the crowd; not as you are its slave,
its grand acting chained breathless entertaining slave
“be a simple kind of man”
You have nothing to yourself
I am branded, and burned and singed
To elevate and aggravate my worst fears
on the numbed faces of dispersed strangers
who will never know the feeling
of my fingers on their brow
 under a low lit ceiling of Sundays
                        And Mondays
                        And Tuesdays
            And  all  days
Of our eleven years

I beg you to reconsider.


I believe you had it right the first time
when I was still on the sill
I suppose you think you’ll find me
in the landscape, lain about a prison
You’ll bring me to your lips like fingers
Staying long and lingering and wine red
We’ll never be free, he says,
Only the roaming lions are free
here, but I have to have you.

Brutal Republic- "East Side Window" (music video)



The same moment found us all
The moment we heard
your name linked with Eden,
and all that is
Gray and deep
Only the dusty rafters
offered the silence
we knew
to be you in Rest
Near the heavens I passed on
Spared your name of everything
There the sweet river carries along
We belong there speaking nothing
 
She’s the last one standing
She’s holding your noose
She’s a varying degree
Of you
 
Here now is the man behind me
His eyes darkening with something
He won’t remember so I turn around
Who is this fool I used to know
 
She’s the last one standing
She’s holding your noose
She’s a varying degree
Of you



Since the autumn phantom
still in the long grass
drove the birds to the sun,
I am fortunate enough
to have known not only
your fingers upon mine,
but the expelled sigh
of your last breath
Near in the room

External






Well it's a blues rough kind of day and all the clouds cry their rain in hefty belts
Like the moment I lashed out at you with eyes which only saw you walking away
Every gulp and hot sigh seething over neatly green brimming grass stained soil squares
Fuck the smiles and teeth
All the phases in your face should be tight lips and contained emotions
A boiling pot of screw you's, ashes, wind, and eyelashes
Such a sad way to wish the day away but everything is temporary free anyway.
In the chamber that often homes
decorum and mischief
I browsed your books
hidden under tables,
supporting a proud pink urn
I only touched the frayed brown ones
For I assumed they had been caressed
The least while in your absent care.

Reborn

I wouldn’t mind finding a new way to exist

The way the young move in straight lines

Or the way the old men turn in circles

This façade livens up the empty sidewalks

Crickets black on
porous concrete
marching as we did once
with picket signs
Call your perch, we
climb with war
Resign your name, we
speak the same
with envy
in the hour of fear.

There's a path through the sand
Carrying on, a grimacing band
When you wake, I'll be gone
When you sleep, I'll coo this song

You're the only one who gave
A thought to understand

There's no glory in the truth
Look behind you all the time
There's no favor with the gods
Their crimes, we scream our story

Hearsay brides the mild autumn forum

Embers that light the face you were born with.

I pray that the quiet children return

In the dead of the night.

To burn the memory and lament

Of their long chorused flight.





Too many have come the way by sea
Watched the pair of birds dive from the sky
Held the frayed rope in slippery grips
They sigh and drop to the sand
Arms with legs and lips with feet
Who is to tell where the love begins
Or how it reaches the plank
In record time

Delate

In undoing myself in recent survey,
I came upon a failure of sorts.
For, all I read unto you is more than I will ever be.
I dream and cast away those dirty women,
Who play in the mud and crawl on your back
His fortune, my own forever, a stench overwhelming,
A prelate born of my own fingers, worthy in bestowed pride.
You, now tired of listlessness,
Relax, love, we are only a dream.
Abundance swarms,
I cradle you as I would your mind, twice remembered,
I sleep in justice and hang in sarcasm revered,
Heighten these walls you allow her to glutton
And I walk away beside your common sense.
Sky and ocean, space is empty and replicated,
Yet the road rutty and unrelaxed;
The road from secrets and detained reaction.

Stray

You were a stranger once too, perhaps not as usual,
So I listened closely and glared, fascinatingly bare.
It is all gone now, the hours of the night
We drive recklessly towards the east-slighted sun
Our hair glittering in the mirrors
I just might start believing in that Higher Power
Though something other than myself doesn't appeal to me
Nothing is as good as an end to the journey
I suspect you'll nod in disagreement
For tomorrow's dream, a haughty greed,
Beats our schedule today.

None

I lift my ears as they wander away,
"Where did you find me?"
And I'd attempt to see the deceit
But I have an awful feeling you stand more sensible
You're the kind of stranger that smiles back

There is everything in between that's more wasted than you recall.
Forward now, fall back; all thought's concern, don't stay; run from me:
The man around the corner with his head bowed,
A white river that flows the wrong way
"Why do you test me?"
You can wash your hands in the cool breeze
And wrap your mind in the foul seas,
But I will never trust you.
Once the vicar wins, I see the small, small details:
A tightrope we all walk along, but some fall to either side,
'Cause it's too short to show what really matters now
Well, isn't that something, isn't it just clouds passing

Sway


This spirit lives
Though it thrives beneath the willows
Shaded by the leaves of grace
This time it shines and frights easily
Under the steady glaze, sun phase
These fingers feel sweet, taste salt,
Wander around forgiveness.
Through riddled fondness
A bow escapes your breath
And falls, trails along the floor
As if I deserve exposure, the leisure
Of your hands willing
Free yourself
Come to the place I once knew,
Not far from my feet,
A shade grew untidy
Surrounded by the heat.
Sometimes I watch you dredge
With old dreams, far times
Your words become a whisper
Passionate of its crimes
Pull me away, I'm lost in your sea
Watch me sway
I am but a night away.

Valentine

I would leave you to the quiet
Parody that is you
I would leave you to speak
With ivory keys, etching your
voice on the walls upstairs
I would carry my eyes to you,
intent with lids that foresee
The melody you arouse, save me.
Of night and day,
Which am I?

Of Your Respect

We may start here in this church
Since he is already kneeling
Head bowed, as if to thank
Some power beyond the grave.

I promise slave will not touch
my lips, or even proudly exhale
through my nostrils; though
I may take his hand and
Stand him level to my brow
For he is my power, and I his.

For the "Learners"

Dying Claim

It could happen as this
Found or cloned, I am here
My face breaks, the tight drops
Clench beside my open mouth
Inside the valleys of wrinkle
And wrought, often sought
I bear this for you
A dream your expected return
Finds me buried in a metal box
Though you are all but buried
The tide cannot wash you, the winds
Cannot claim what has long since
Hidden you.
How cruel is this, that these
Wide eyes still look for you in me.

Writing Exercise.

I came across a writing exercise that is supposed to give you an idea of what you should do with your life. The idea is that you already know. The exercise is to write a list and eventually you'll receive some sort of epiphany or repeat emissions. Here is my list:


“What is my true purpose in life?”

Find love
Feed the homeless
Raise Zack
Jeremy
Write
Truth
Adopt
Inspire
Educate
Write
Read
Learn
Become wise
Intellect
Wit
Discover truth
Argue/debate
Liberation
Mother
Rise above the masses
Survive
Discover
Travel
Appreciate
Happiness
Rock bottom? And rise?
Journey
Always truth!
Live long and prosper
Love
Procreate
Freedom
Help/Aid
Teach
Inspire new ideas
Change the shapes
Find soul
Question
Disprove God
Innovative writing
Open doors

Peril

We are here within this fight for stimulated truth.

Vow to place me above all else. Internally too, he writes. Yet, he does not write for himself or even struggle for air like I might. Indeed, I am compelled to know this visionary, this martyr in the midst. He cannot deny, even to me, that my impression in the sand exists.

In age, we find our lives duplicated
In young, our hearts bare for the world
In love, the face of fragility matters
Let us wilt before the greatness we strive, but yet to understand.

Meet me tomorrow,
Meet me today,
Meet me in a yesterday.




Recall a time when you were a white ghost pressed in a hot coffin. Search for less and you come to be, that much harder to occur the lessons. I did not plan to fall heavy in your spirit. You walked me proud down that aisle of forever, your lips drawn together, tasting the cold of yesterday. Does her voice carry further than mine, perhaps your aspirations, that freedom I desired once? Baked in your conscious, stewed on your burdened back is a voice you forget to hear.
I cannot forget you; in faded black nor the blush of your smile, but you must cautiously leave your presence at the door.
Today, tomorrow, never

ILWACO

Water hissed from the
wooden boards
On deck;
The exhalation of the Sea's cold,
The bounty of the night sea.
Though the men stood by
With shovels and rope,
A touch of inconvenience
For those unaware
Of graceful impact
Yet I notice, as always
I discover a great many things
Some of which,
I didn't set out to find.
Send me across
Those lines of forgiveness
Watch me leave
And ruin this moment
For you are less
In stained skies
And broad grass
Too far from home
To matter
Too slow
To lose faith
In torn earth

Untitled

Another summer will soon come
You'll shield what you once were
And give all that you have become.
Do you feel the ground shift,
As mountains lift to greet me
You feel it heave beneath our feet
My fingers still find yours as
We devour all but ourselves
My whispers linger, surpassed only
By the last draw from my smoke
I dreamed this stolen night,
For lands parted, seperated
For men like you

Fateless

If ever a poor soul....
I once wrote of a man without fate
He had no place within this universe
and spent his days
Inspecting those that lay beneath the green shades
I often wonder why these sensuous 'createes'
Look to the heavens in awe
While such a bored king awaits their
notable parish.
If ever a wondrous soul...
Yet this knowledge escapes you


1992


Amid flowing hills
We ran about as dew
In gleeful morning's touch
We grew as wildflowers do
Above torpid's touch.


Unfortunate, the shadows did cease
As the sun rose above your pampered head
At the feast you sat by the lonely men
Who cried out for their women instead
Is this your sole masterpiece
This worth a scorned existence
Unfortunate

A man laid smiling up at me
Said all he needed that you'd provide
Disappeared with all of the magic
And fought his way to the afterlife
Is this your sole masterpiece
This worth a scorned existence
Unfortunate

When the rains came,
You begged me to drown
I reached for your name,
Without a sound
Unfortunate

Is this your sole masterpiece
This worth a scorned existence
Unfortunate
Let us sit side by side on ground covered with leaves. Maybe then you could be honest. I might just find comfort in the misgivings you present to me.

I stood and the world turned black, but I kept walking. Maybe if I collapsed, you could know without me saying a word. Maybe it would go away, disappear into quiet evenings watching you watching nothing. I ran a soothing bath and laid there for awhile, not moving, just feeling warmth. My eyes started to get heavy and I drifted off, thinking about how i would say it. What would be the easiest way, how could you have no other choice but to embrace me?
I heard your boots before I heard you. I opened my eyes and there you were observing me.
You have come to me many times. You haven't come to me enough. You come when you know I am alone.
With you there, thoughts of changing my own morals twisted in my mind. Which in turn, the thoughts make me changed already.

I am nothing constantly.

This existence will cause you to not understand. This existence could be wrong for everyone, but me.
BRING ME THIS TRUTH
YOU HOLD WITHIN YOUR MIND
OF ALL EQUALITY
AND EXISTENCE
I FELL INTO THE SLUMBER
NOT TOO LONG AGO
I sought Greatness
You give me no credit
To obtain
Instead
A darkness to declare
Individial > State > Federal Government

A New Beginning

How fun.

We're on to more exciting enterprises. The idea, for me anyway, is to organize better and perhaps my mind would follow. Sometimes it feels like there isn't enough time.

He said "Who will be my Mommy when you die?" and suddenly I thought maybe I should take better care of myself. Surviving is a far cry from health, I've noticed. His false courage fades and I worry I might not equip him mentally as well as I could...should.

Excited about the coming trip. A coming together, if you will. The green is wide and refreshing, something Iowa doesn't have enough of.

Which reminds me...

My pride has never extended to states or places, just individual placement. "I wish to stay, for people. I wish to leave, for people." Alas, you're so fuckin annoying. I can't even learn anything from something inferior like the way you cut your nails. I'm glad I don't cut mine. Someday they'll be important for self-defense. Ha.

Onward...
You're seriously the best man I've ever met. Have I mentioned that before? Perfection.

Double Dare You

So, WOW, I just hit the 1000 mark for the amount of hits on this crazy blog. Really? Who reads this? No one comments, ever. Good, bad, nothing.

So, here is a statement to get the debate started:

The Beatles are overrated.

Triple dog dare you to reply.

Heavy whispers carried the fairest
Into pairs across the ferry
Hurry by, home array
Are we there where we appear?

Crossword and Sneeze


I'm sick with a head cold...I imagine it'll turn into a chest cold before the week is over. I sucked it in and came to work anyway. I think my boss enjoys my crankiness. Which is great, since her son causes it most of the time.

Over the last week, I watch things move into place and the rescue move in to accommodate. When will they learn? A misconception on their part, but no way or reason to tell otherwise. I don't feel sorry for anyone that doesn't know. As I harness the anger and incredulity, I realize I would be that person. I'd say "I told you so." I'd shake my head and walk away, leave them standing feeling helpless to the storm.

Do you know where I have been? Do you understand that sanity rides on the back of ONE bird in the whole sky?

I suppose I could hold my hands over my mouth forever if it meant protecting my son.


I'll leave you with a song, Fiona Apple's

Never is a Promise
You'll never see-
the courage i know
its colors' richness
won't appear within your view
i'll never glow,
the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows,
I see in different lights
the shades and shadows
undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch
i see from greater heights
i understand what I am still to proud to mention
-to you

You'll say you understand
but you don't understand
you'll say you'd never give up
seeing eye to eye
but never is a promise
and you can't afford to lie

you'll never touch
these things that i hold
the skin of my emotions
lies beneath my own
you'll never feel
the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown
-to you

you'll say don't fear your dreams
it's easier than it seems
you'll say you'd never let me fall
from hopes so high
but never is a promise
and you can't afford to lie

you'll never live the life that i live
i'll never live the life
that wakes me in the night
you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might
give up this fight

but as the scenary grows,
isee in different lights
the shades and shadows
undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch
i see from greater heights
i realize what i am now too smart to mention
-to you

you'll say you understand,
you'll never understand
i'll say i'll never wake up
knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in
you don't know who i am
you'll say i need appeasing
when i start to cry
but never is a promise
and i'll never need a lie

Midwest anger rant

Oh, this one is just for you. How could I possibly think of anything other than you? For nothing in this world surely compares to the sight of you bent over before me, soliciting your disgust with opinion. Is this how the Midwest rises in numbers? There are more like me, I imagine. But those that are will not stand, will not become. Instead, unmotivate themselves with simple tasks and unglorifying work around the home. Perhaps, raise those that think identical to the threshold, because, what other ideas are they allowed to have? Can you justify this with the hopes of your children changing the world? Oh, hard work is nice, but your only reward stems from the thought of doing right by this. You can only educate yourself so far, and while it is most honorable to feed the world and even dare yourself not have to think about more complex things, where will your children go? What will they learn? How will they ever satisfy their hunger for more, for knowledge, for experience? An honest man is all you want to be, but do you honestly think you are fit to be acknowledged as a man? Perhaps I can offer you immortality. Perhaps I cannot give you what you need. Perhaps you will dwell within yourself and eventually clutch your deathbed and wonder where your ambition went. Was it lost when you accepted blind fate because that's all you knew? A risk is not a small thing. A leap is not a hesitation. No one said it would be easy...but how easy is it to fall behind when you are staring at the path ahead?

Leonard Cohen


Huge fan. I could weep at his feet if I was more sensitive. Ha.

Tower of Song

Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song

I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice
And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond
They tied me to this table right here
In the Tower of Song

So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song

Now you can say that I've grown bitter but of this you may be sure
The rich have got their channels in the bedrooms of the poor
And there's a mighty judgement coming, but I may be wrong
You see, you hear these funny voices
In the Tower of Song

I see you standing on the other side
I don't know how the river got so wide
I loved you baby, way back when
And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed
But I feel so close to everything that we lost
We'll never have to lose it again

Now I bid you farewell, I don't know when I'll be back
There moving us tomorrow to that tower down the track
But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone
I'll be speaking to you sweetly
From a window in the Tower of Song

Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

The Friday Focus



In even the shortest
of time, you feel
yourself unwind, in
a field of deals
and dandelions.

I Was You

You stood in the doorway
Your heart across my bed
You know what I want
This is why I am here
I don't need you to forgive me
This isn't something you should fear

You are only as young
As I want to be
You are only as free
As I want to believe

I take
Just as you begin to give
I'm not here to change your mind
For, tonight you are mine

You are only as young
As I want to be
You are only as free
As I want to believe

Don't cry l Don't cry
Not here l Not here

You are only as young
You are only as free
As I want to be
As I want to believe


Entity
How great you flew
In an aftermath of
The young shoulder
How smooth the hesitating words
How you lose yourself
In scolding flower vases
Joint in my impudent cause
You fight beside me
A founding father you have become
A furtive game you play
A goddess you have encountered
A train lost in the fog
And you, beautiful.

Lapse


Time places me here again. I just sit and watch while everything moves around me. I feel eyes. I feel heat. I stop. I have to. Sometimes I think I truly understand the meaning of forever. There are surprises every day. I recall all the mishaps of the past and everything that hurtfully untangled at the time. I think about it everyday. I suppose it is unfair in a way, but I have the right to grieve as long as I feel necessary. Lately, the distraction so powerful, I lose my grip and end up puzzled...confused. I should do the right thing, as always. So hard to break this ground that's forged us to transcend to silencing compromises. I used to be so passionate, fierce even.

Freedom has a price. And though I always followed that sense I so obviously encouraged, time has brought changes I cannot ignore or abandon. Freedom has a price. My stepfather told me that when I was a teenager. He said that no one was ever free. We all have bosses, people who regulate our lives for us. I hated him at that moment. I couldn't fight or argue my point because I possessed none. I sat and soaked in all he gave and taught and for years still trying to disprove him. For me, there was always more for me to uncover. Some abandoned truth I would discover. Some long peace would settle over my mind and I would be free.

When I was 9 years old, I did find my own truth. I didn't remember it until recently. Seldom do I forget certain moments of Zen, but this particular day came to me when I needed it, so perhaps subconsciously my mind kicks in when needed. At any rate, I lived in Oregon on this small mountain when I was younger. It was a beautiful mountain with less than a dozen residents and vast forest and tall grasses. My brother and I were playing in the meadow one day. I remember hearing him yelling in the distance, somewhere behind me, calling my name. I was running away from him in the woods between the trees as fast as I could. At some point, I couldn't hear him any longer, so I collapsed onto my knees in the grass. Sticks poked at my legs and the grass grazed my chin.

I remember thinking, as I looked up, how the sky looked like pink salmon and orange sherbet icecream. The sun was setting and I was transfixed by this beautiful moment I had discovered. I remember placing my arms in front of me and reaching as far as I could towards the sunset until my shoulders ached. When I was young, I believed that anything was possible. It never occurred to me then that I couldn't stop the sun from setting with just my fingertips. I just wanted to pause it, make that moment last. And it has.

Well my birthday isn't for another couple of weeks, but this morning I recieved a couple of things in the mail from my sister, Leah.

One gift especially is post worthy.

Special Christians....

"It's okay. Truth be known, we mock a lot of people too. We mock those who worship athletes, celebrities, pop culture, Obama, money, intellect, trees, polar bears, basically anything but God. I'd rather be mocked for bowing at His altar than at the altar of all these temporal things that don't amount to a hill of beans."

This is someone's comment written below an article about a football player praying on the field.

*moment of silence*
.
..
...

WHAT THE HELL?! Serious? Really? Let's start with the most obvious problem here. Eh, as a christian, you likely shouldn't judge people let alone mock them. CHRISTians believe in the teachings of Christ, and I doubt that's a valid teaching. Second, are you really lumping intellect in there, AND saying it doesn't amount to much? Eesh. The MOST offensive thing here is the polar bears. Frankly, I'm hurt. Below the belt, ass.

Some things I love...



I love music, I love jazz piano. This is one of Jeremy's music books, so I took a picture to make my point.


I love books. All books. I don't take care of them either. Torn books make me excited.



I love paper and journals.



This is something David Flaten gave me as a wedding present. He started to say what it had to do with my father, but I never heard the end of it because he mumbled about it in the middle of a loud reception. Someday, I should ask.



Tea rocks my world. Hot tea. Sweet tea. Tea loves me.



Jeremy and I both share a quiet enjoyment of large clocks.



Why doesn't anyone love this lamp as much as I do?? It's beautiful. It's actually made from an alcohol bottle from Peru, I think. When Dave Bybee was stationed there, he collected a great many things he passed on to me..."For helping an old fart", as he says.



Lamps in general give off such a warm feeling. Here's my office beauty.

More later...