Reconsider
External
Reborn
I wouldn’t mind finding a new way to exist
The way the young move in straight lines
Or the way the old men turn in circles
This façade livens up the empty sidewalks
Delate
I came upon a failure of sorts.
For, all I read unto you is more than I will ever be.
Who play in the mud and crawl on your back
A prelate born of my own fingers, worthy in bestowed pride.
You, now tired of listlessness,
Relax, love, we are only a dream.
I cradle you as I would your mind, twice remembered,
I sleep in justice and hang in sarcasm revered,
Heighten these walls you allow her to glutton
Yet the road rutty and unrelaxed;
Stray
None
"Where did you find me?"
And I'd attempt to see the deceit
But I have an awful feeling you stand more sensible
There is everything in between that's more wasted than you recall.
The man around the corner with his head bowed,
A white river that flows the wrong way
You can wash your hands in the cool breeze
And wrap your mind in the foul seas,
But I will never trust you.
Once the vicar wins, I see the small, small details:
A tightrope we all walk along, but some fall to either side,
'Cause it's too short to show what really matters now
Well, isn't that something, isn't it just clouds passing
Sway
Valentine
Parody that is you
I would leave you to speak
With ivory keys, etching your
voice on the walls upstairs
I would carry my eyes to you,
intent with lids that foresee
The melody you arouse, save me.
Of night and day,
Which am I?
Of Your Respect
Since he is already kneeling
Head bowed, as if to thank
Some power beyond the grave.
I promise slave will not touch
my lips, or even proudly exhale
through my nostrils; though
I may take his hand and
Stand him level to my brow
For he is my power, and I his.
For the "Learners"
Dying Claim
Found or cloned, I am here
My face breaks, the tight drops
Clench beside my open mouth
Inside the valleys of wrinkle
And wrought, often sought
I bear this for you
A dream your expected return
Finds me buried in a metal box
Though you are all but buried
The tide cannot wash you, the winds
Cannot claim what has long since
Hidden you.
How cruel is this, that these
Wide eyes still look for you in me.
Writing Exercise.
“What is my true purpose in life?”
Find love
Feed the homeless
Raise Zack
Jeremy
Write
Truth
Adopt
Inspire
Educate
Write
Read
Learn
Become wise
Intellect
Wit
Discover truth
Argue/debate
Liberation
Mother
Rise above the masses
Survive
Discover
Travel
Appreciate
Happiness
Rock bottom? And rise?
Journey
Always truth!
Live long and prosper
Love
Procreate
Freedom
Help/Aid
Teach
Inspire new ideas
Change the shapes
Find soul
Question
Disprove God
Innovative writing
Open doors
Peril
We are here within this fight for stimulated truth.
Vow to place me above all else. Internally too, he writes. Yet, he does not write for himself or even struggle for air like I might. Indeed, I am compelled to know this visionary, this martyr in the midst. He cannot deny, even to me, that my impression in the sand exists.
In age, we find our lives duplicated
In young, our hearts bare for the world
In love, the face of fragility matters
Let us wilt before the greatness we strive, but yet to understand.
Meet me tomorrow,
Meet me today,
Meet me in a yesterday.
Recall a time when you were a white ghost pressed in a hot coffin. Search for less and you come to be, that much harder to occur the lessons. I did not plan to fall heavy in your spirit. You walked me proud down that aisle of forever, your lips drawn together, tasting the cold of yesterday. Does her voice carry further than mine, perhaps your aspirations, that freedom I desired once? Baked in your conscious, stewed on your burdened back is a voice you forget to hear.
I cannot forget you; in faded black nor the blush of your smile, but you must cautiously leave your presence at the door.
Today, tomorrow, never
ILWACO
Untitled
You'll shield what you once were
And give all that you have become.
Do you feel the ground shift,
As mountains lift to greet me
You feel it heave beneath our feet
My fingers still find yours as
We devour all but ourselves
My whispers linger, surpassed only
By the last draw from my smoke
I dreamed this stolen night,
For lands parted, seperated
For men like you
Fateless
As the sun rose above your pampered head
At the feast you sat by the lonely men
Who cried out for their women instead
Is this your sole masterpiece
This worth a scorned existence
Unfortunate
A man laid smiling up at me
Said all he needed that you'd provide
Disappeared with all of the magic
And fought his way to the afterlife
Is this your sole masterpiece
This worth a scorned existence
Unfortunate
When the rains came,
You begged me to drown
I reached for your name,
Without a sound
Unfortunate
Is this your sole masterpiece
This worth a scorned existence
Unfortunate
I stood and the world turned black, but I kept walking. Maybe if I collapsed, you could know without me saying a word. Maybe it would go away, disappear into quiet evenings watching you watching nothing. I ran a soothing bath and laid there for awhile, not moving, just feeling warmth. My eyes started to get heavy and I drifted off, thinking about how i would say it. What would be the easiest way, how could you have no other choice but to embrace me?
I heard your boots before I heard you. I opened my eyes and there you were observing me.
You have come to me many times. You haven't come to me enough. You come when you know I am alone.
With you there, thoughts of changing my own morals twisted in my mind. Which in turn, the thoughts make me changed already.
I am nothing constantly.
This existence will cause you to not understand. This existence could be wrong for everyone, but me.
A New Beginning
We're on to more exciting enterprises. The idea, for me anyway, is to organize better and perhaps my mind would follow. Sometimes it feels like there isn't enough time.
He said "Who will be my Mommy when you die?" and suddenly I thought maybe I should take better care of myself. Surviving is a far cry from health, I've noticed. His false courage fades and I worry I might not equip him mentally as well as I could...should.
Excited about the coming trip. A coming together, if you will. The green is wide and refreshing, something Iowa doesn't have enough of.
Which reminds me...
My pride has never extended to states or places, just individual placement. "I wish to stay, for people. I wish to leave, for people." Alas, you're so fuckin annoying. I can't even learn anything from something inferior like the way you cut your nails. I'm glad I don't cut mine. Someday they'll be important for self-defense. Ha.
Onward...
You're seriously the best man I've ever met. Have I mentioned that before? Perfection.
Double Dare You
So, here is a statement to get the debate started:
The Beatles are overrated.
Triple dog dare you to reply.
Crossword and Sneeze
I'm sick with a head cold...I imagine it'll turn into a chest cold before the week is over. I sucked it in and came to work anyway. I think my boss enjoys my crankiness. Which is great, since her son causes it most of the time.
Over the last week, I watch things move into place and the rescue move in to accommodate. When will they learn? A misconception on their part, but no way or reason to tell otherwise. I don't feel sorry for anyone that doesn't know. As I harness the anger and incredulity, I realize I would be that person. I'd say "I told you so." I'd shake my head and walk away, leave them standing feeling helpless to the storm.
Do you know where I have been? Do you understand that sanity rides on the back of ONE bird in the whole sky?
I suppose I could hold my hands over my mouth forever if it meant protecting my son.
I'll leave you with a song, Fiona Apple's
Never is a Promise
You'll never see-
the courage i know
its colors' richness
won't appear within your view
i'll never glow,
the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows,
I see in different lights
the shades and shadows
undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch
i see from greater heights
i understand what I am still to proud to mention
-to you
You'll say you understand
but you don't understand
you'll say you'd never give up
seeing eye to eye
but never is a promise
and you can't afford to lie
you'll never touch
these things that i hold
the skin of my emotions
lies beneath my own
you'll never feel
the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown
-to you
you'll say don't fear your dreams
it's easier than it seems
you'll say you'd never let me fall
from hopes so high
but never is a promise
and you can't afford to lie
you'll never live the life that i live
i'll never live the life
that wakes me in the night
you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might
give up this fight
but as the scenary grows,
isee in different lights
the shades and shadows
undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch
i see from greater heights
i realize what i am now too smart to mention
-to you
you'll say you understand,
you'll never understand
i'll say i'll never wake up
knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in
you don't know who i am
you'll say i need appeasing
when i start to cry
but never is a promise
and i'll never need a lie
Midwest anger rant
Leonard Cohen
Huge fan. I could weep at his feet if I was more sensitive. Ha.
Tower of Song
Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song
I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song
I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice
And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond
They tied me to this table right here
In the Tower of Song
So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song
Now you can say that I've grown bitter but of this you may be sure
The rich have got their channels in the bedrooms of the poor
And there's a mighty judgement coming, but I may be wrong
You see, you hear these funny voices
In the Tower of Song
I see you standing on the other side
I don't know how the river got so wide
I loved you baby, way back when
And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed
But I feel so close to everything that we lost
We'll never have to lose it again
Now I bid you farewell, I don't know when I'll be back
There moving us tomorrow to that tower down the track
But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone
I'll be speaking to you sweetly
From a window in the Tower of Song
Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song
The Friday Focus
In even the shortest
of time, you feel
yourself unwind, in
a field of deals
and dandelions.
I Was You
Your heart across my bed
You know what I want
This is why I am here
I don't need you to forgive me
This isn't something you should fear
You are only as young
As I want to be
You are only as free
As I want to believe
I take
Just as you begin to give
I'm not here to change your mind
For, tonight you are mine
You are only as young
As I want to be
You are only as free
As I want to believe
Don't cry l Don't cry
Not here l Not here
You are only as young
You are only as free
As I want to be
As I want to believe
How great you flew
In an aftermath of
The young shoulder
How smooth the hesitating words
How you lose yourself
In scolding flower vases
Joint in my impudent cause
You fight beside me
A founding father you have become
A furtive game you play
A goddess you have encountered
A train lost in the fog
And you, beautiful.
Lapse
Time places me here again. I just sit and watch while everything moves around me. I feel eyes. I feel heat. I stop. I have to. Sometimes I think I truly understand the meaning of forever. There are surprises every day. I recall all the mishaps of the past and everything that hurtfully untangled at the time. I think about it everyday. I suppose it is unfair in a way, but I have the right to grieve as long as I feel necessary. Lately, the distraction so powerful, I lose my grip and end up puzzled...confused. I should do the right thing, as always. So hard to break this ground that's forged us to transcend to silencing compromises. I used to be so passionate, fierce even.
Freedom has a price. And though I always followed that sense I so obviously encouraged, time has brought changes I cannot ignore or abandon. Freedom has a price. My stepfather told me that when I was a teenager. He said that no one was ever free. We all have bosses, people who regulate our lives for us. I hated him at that moment. I couldn't fight or argue my point because I possessed none. I sat and soaked in all he gave and taught and for years still trying to disprove him. For me, there was always more for me to uncover. Some abandoned truth I would discover. Some long peace would settle over my mind and I would be free.
When I was 9 years old, I did find my own truth. I didn't remember it until recently. Seldom do I forget certain moments of Zen, but this particular day came to me when I needed it, so perhaps subconsciously my mind kicks in when needed. At any rate, I lived in Oregon on this small mountain when I was younger. It was a beautiful mountain with less than a dozen residents and vast forest and tall grasses. My brother and I were playing in the meadow one day. I remember hearing him yelling in the distance, somewhere behind me, calling my name. I was running away from him in the woods between the trees as fast as I could. At some point, I couldn't hear him any longer, so I collapsed onto my knees in the grass. Sticks poked at my legs and the grass grazed my chin.
I remember thinking, as I looked up, how the sky looked like pink salmon and orange sherbet icecream. The sun was setting and I was transfixed by this beautiful moment I had discovered. I remember placing my arms in front of me and reaching as far as I could towards the sunset until my shoulders ached. When I was young, I believed that anything was possible. It never occurred to me then that I couldn't stop the sun from setting with just my fingertips. I just wanted to pause it, make that moment last. And it has.
Special Christians....
This is someone's comment written below an article about a football player praying on the field.
*moment of silence*
.
..
...
WHAT THE HELL?! Serious? Really? Let's start with the most obvious problem here. Eh, as a christian, you likely shouldn't judge people let alone mock them. CHRISTians believe in the teachings of Christ, and I doubt that's a valid teaching. Second, are you really lumping intellect in there, AND saying it doesn't amount to much? Eesh. The MOST offensive thing here is the polar bears. Frankly, I'm hurt. Below the belt, ass.
Some things I love...
I love music, I love jazz piano. This is one of Jeremy's music books, so I took a picture to make my point.
I love books. All books. I don't take care of them either. Torn books make me excited.
I love paper and journals.
This is something David Flaten gave me as a wedding present. He started to say what it had to do with my father, but I never heard the end of it because he mumbled about it in the middle of a loud reception. Someday, I should ask.
Tea rocks my world. Hot tea. Sweet tea. Tea loves me.
Jeremy and I both share a quiet enjoyment of large clocks.
Why doesn't anyone love this lamp as much as I do?? It's beautiful. It's actually made from an alcohol bottle from Peru, I think. When Dave Bybee was stationed there, he collected a great many things he passed on to me..."For helping an old fart", as he says.
Lamps in general give off such a warm feeling. Here's my office beauty.
More later...